Does it get any easier?

I would like to think so, however when you're right smack bang in the middle of stuff, it can seem overwhelming and like it will never get better. I've had a rough few weeks. Hell, I've had a rough few years! And just when it feels like I might be getting somewhere, someone pulls the rug from under me again. It's tough. It hurts. It's frustrating. And it's so hard to remain positive when it all just feels too much.

But it's gotta get easier sometime, right? I mean, it can't remain bad forever. I keep trying to remind myself of what I want to do with my life; the passion I have for spreading awareness of these mental health disorders; the deep desire to help others who are struggling. I tell myself to focus on the good and positive elements of my life, even if they seem minuscule compared to the problems. I have had people marvel at my tenacity, my inner strength, my resolve, my resilience... I don't see it. But people do. I just plod on... one step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, one step back and so on. Life is a complicated dance and I haven't learnt all the moves. One day it'll just click and I'll get it. And it'll be easier. But for now I just fumble along and hope for the best.

I seem to have hit a massive road block with my therapy and I don't know the best way forward. I'm really hoping it'll resolve itself quickly and I'll get back on track. But at the moment it's all just too much and I'm tired.

But there is hope. It will get better. It may take a while and in the meantime I need to try to hold onto the good things. I feel like a fragile, broken flower right now, but this flower has thorns and underneath it all, is robust. I'll get there. If you're reading this and feeling down and hopeless, just know you're not alone. I'm with you. I hear you. You are valid and worthy of good things.

B.P.D. What is it?

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide ideation

Borderline Personality Disorder, or B.P.D. is a common mental health illness affecting roughly 1-4% of the population. It is often called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which better reflects what it is. B.P.D. is a long-term disorder which directly affects how a person manages their emotions and relationships. It is treatable and it is possible to live a normal, happy life with it. However, it does need psychotherapy to diagnose and treat. There are currently no medications to cure this disorder, but some medications may help with some of the symptoms. As always, speak to your doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or health professional and never self-diagnose or self-medicate.

B.P.D. is diagnosed more often in women than men, and usually starts during late adolescence and early adulthood, and although it is unclear what causes it, experts believe that a variety of factors could contribute to someone developing it, including genetics, environment, culture/social and biology.

SYMPTOMS

1. Disturbed sense of self

2. Chronic fear of abandonment and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment

3. Unstable relationships

4. Low self esteem

5. Paranoid behaviour

6. Emotional detachment

7. Self-harm or threats of suicide

8. Bouts of anger, irritability or moodiness

9. Dissociation

10. Impulsive or reckless behaviour

11. Intense and uncontrolled emotions

12. Extreme emotional switching

13. Substance abuse

B.P.D. is very difficult to live with and the sufferer often feels very alone and misunderstood. They can try their best to be a good person, but constantly feel they have failed and need to prove themselves. They perceive even the slightest emotion from people as abandonment and rejection and will go to great lengths to avoid that at all cost, usually pushing that person away in the process, which then restarts the cycle of self hate and fear of abandonment. It becomes a "self-fulfilling prophesy"

People with B.P.D. are not bad or evil, and the majority of them are not attention seeking. A lot of the time they have no idea why they behave the way they do and are confused and distressed because deep down, they don't want to be this way, but they don't know how to fix it. People with B.P.D. deserve love and care as much as anyone else and should not be punished for their behaviour, rather, encouraged to seek counselling to learn the tools to cope with their unstable emotions. People with B.P.D. are often very sensitive, and although that can mean they are easily hurt, it also means they are often very sensitive to the needs and emotions of others. This positive trait can be nurtured along-side teaching them how to manage the intensity of their own emotions.

The most effective treatments for B.P.D. are psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT)

HOW IS BPD DIFFERENT FROM DID AND HOW ARE THEY LINKED?

B.P.D. is a personality disorder, but contrary to popular (and misinformed) belief, D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a Dissociative disorder. Many people get the two mixed up, which is understandable, especially considering up until the early 90's, D.I.D. was known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Both disorders seem to affect a person's personality, but in actual fact, D.I.D. is a form of dissociating and splitting off, or disconnecting, from reality. Someone can have Borderline Personality Disorder without having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and vice versa. However, it is very common for people who have D.I.D. to also have B.P.D. along with other mental health disorders. If you'd like to know more about D.I.D. please read my blog on that incredibly complex and fascinating disorder here.

B.P.D. is definitely treatable and if you suffer with it and are feeling lost and hopeless, just know that there is hope with the right therapy. As I stated above, see your doctor or therapist if you think you have B.P.D. for a proper diagnosis.

If you, or someone you know is suicidal or threatening suicide or self-harm, phone for an ambulance immediately. You can also access various helplines in your country if you need a safe and anonymous place to talk.

References

SANE Australia

Wikipedia

Introducing my System

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide ideation and of sexual Alters

Hey everyone. I wanted to introduce my current System members. In time, some of them may wish to write their own blog posts here, but for now they are all willing to let me reveal who they are, what their role is in the System and a little bit about them.

So I'll start off with me.

Adults

1. Sapphire (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Blue, Gemstone

• Role: Host

• Role: Protector

• Age: Body age

• Created: when the body was 9 years old

• Favourite colour/s: Blue and Rose Gold

• Favourite Activity/s: Art/craft and Gaming

Role Definition: My role as Host means I'm the one who Fronts the most often and I deal with day to day living.

A bit about me: My name is Sapphire. I am not the 'original', or first core personality, but I am the permanent Host of the System. The first core personality was called Linda and she integrated and fused in November of 2019 after collapsing emotionally and mentally. Originally I was a Fragment (See the post about Alter Roles and Terminology). I was created when Linda was 9 years old and my single role was the management of memories. I was an Alter to the original Gatekeeper.

I enjoy reading and listening to music and writing. I have plans to study psychology and specialise in Dissociative Disorders. I have a deep passion for helping to spread awareness, remove stigma and educate people on Dissociative Disorders, especially D.I.D. I also want to help people who have this disorder to better understand it and work towards healing, however that looks for the individual.

I have legally changed my name from Linda to Sapphire. As a System, we have unanimously agreed that, whatever happens, the body will always be known as Sapphire.

2. Sophia (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Divine Wisdom

• Role: Gatekeeper/Primary Protector

• Role: Sexual Protector

• Role: Ex-Persecutor

• Age: 14-24

• Created: When Linda was 11 years old

• Interesting fact: Sophia is a Goth. She is sassy and outspoken and isn't afraid to tell people what she thinks. She often doesn't care about consequences. She's the first to front if someone is giving any of us a hard time. She doesn't take crap from anyone.

• Favourite colours: Black and purple

Role Definition: Gatekeeper: To manage switching, fronting and internal disputes. She also has access to all the memories, although she doesn't dig around in them unless she has to. She is usually the one to welcome new Alters to the System and help them understand their role. She can also put Alters into a state of dormancy if necessary as well if a need arises and can prevent Alters from fronting in some instances.

3. The Watcher (Non-Binary)

• Role: Chronicler

• Age: Ageless

• Created: Unknown

• Interesting Fact: No-one in the System has ever seen their face

Role Definition: Not fully known but possibly to document important events in our life.

4. Cal (He/Him)

Meaning of name: Devotion

• Role: Protector

• Role: Unknown

• Age: 35

• Created: Unknown

5. Sally (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Princess

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Fragment

• Age: 23

• Created: 1999

A Fragment is a partially formed Alter who usually holds a single memory, trauma or experience

6. Saph (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Shortened version of Sapphire

• Role: Unknown

• Age: Same as body

• Created: Unknown

7. Dana (She/Her)

Meaning of name: God is my judge

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: Slider: Little to body age

• Created: 2022

8. Hazel (She/Her)

Meaning of name: The Hazel Tree

• Role: Internal Helper/Soother

• Age: 24

• Created: 2022

9. Seraphina (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Fiery/Burning

• Role: Persecutor

• Age: Same as body

• Created: 2022

10. Halo (They/Them)

Meaning of name:

• Role: Sexual Protector

• Age: 24

• Re-Created: 2022

• Halo is a fusion of Nadia and Klarissa

11. Natalie (She/Her)

Meaning of the name: Birth of the Lord

• Role: Care-Giver/Internal Soother

• Age: 35

• Created: 1991

12. Osiris (They/Them)

Meaning of name: Egyptian lord of the underworld/death

• Role: Trauma Watcher

• Age: Ageless

• Created: 1976

13. Ghost (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Anaesthetist

• Role: Fragment

• Age: Ageless

• Created: Unknown

Interesting fact: Ghost is a ghost in the System and chooses not to talk.

14. Demoness (Ness for short) (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Persecutor

• Age: Around 18-24

• Created: Mid teens

15. Astra (She/Her)

• Role: Soother/Comforter

• Species: Human/Cat hybrid

• Age: Unknown

• Created: 2022

Interesting fact: Alters can be anything that the mind can create, whether that is human, non-human, or anything in-between. Whatever the person needed at the time the Alter was created. At the time Astra was created, we were in deep distress and needed soothing comfort, and we always found our actual cat comforting; the sound of her purring and the softness of her fur, so our mind created a cat-like Alter to be that comfort within our mind.

16. Shadow (She/Her)

• Role: Unknown

• Age: Unknown

• Created: Unknown

17. Onyx (He/Him)

• Role: Unknown

• Age: Unknown

• Created: Unknown

19. Mara (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: Young Adult

• Created: 2022

20. Dark (They/Them)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Protector

• Age: Unknown

• Created: Unknown

Interesting fact: Dark has the ability to shape-shift inner world to a mist form, which can shield Alters from danger or hide their activities from prying eyes.

Middles/Teens

21. Jake (He/Him)

Meaning of name: Supplanter

• Role: Ex-Persecutor

• Role: Protector

• Age: 16/Ageless

• Created: 2020

• Favourite Colour: Black

• Favourite Activity: Gaming

• Interesting Fact: Emo/Grunge. Has strong London/Essex accent (we've never been to Essex!)

Role Definition: A Persecutor is an Alter who believes that the only way to keep the System safe is to harm the body, the Alters or other people (in some cases). They often carry so much trauma that they simply want the pain to end, and they have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes, they believe that if they can cause the Host or other Alters to fear them more than the original abuser, then there will be no cause to fear the abuser at all. Generally, if Persecutors can learn healthier ways to manage their pain, they can go on to become strong Protectors. Jake is in in this process of becoming a Protector.

22. JC (She/Her)

• Role: Care-Giver

• Role: Protector

• Age: 16

• Created: 2020

• Interesting Fact: Jake’s twin

• Interesting Fact: Likes Steampunk Goth

Note: To be a twin of an Alter, generally it just means they were created at the exact same time.

Role Definition: Care-Givers are Alters who provide a much needed service of soothing Alters inside the System. Alters are usually very traumatised and upset and can have panic attacks on a regular basis. Care-givers have the ability to be very calm and soothing and rational, which is absolutely essential.

23. Jason (He/Him)

Meaning of name: Gift of Healing

• Role: Protector

• Age: 18

• Created: When the body was 11 years old

24. Neasha-Leigh (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Neasha: Just. Leigh: Meadow

• Role: Protector

• Age: 14

• Created: 1987

• Interesting Fact: Avid gamer. Our gaming handle is Neashaleigh for most games.

25. Charlie (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Free man

• Role: Innocent

• Age: 15

• Created: 2019

Role Definition: Sometimes an Innocent Alter is formed to preserve a section of life from trauma. This carefree Alter should be nurtured and not allowed to share in the horrors of trauma that the other Alters have had to witness.

26. Candy (She/Her)

• Role: Innocent

• Age: 14-15

• Created: Unknown

Littles

27. Faya (They/Them)

Meaning of name:

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 6/Ageless

• Re-Created: 2022

• Interesting Fact: Faya is a fusion of Feury and Maddie

28. Terra (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Earth

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 11-13

• Created: 1987-1988

29. Nina (She/Her)

Meaning of name: God was gracious

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 4

• Created: 1979/80

30. Melanie (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Blackness

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Persecutor

• Age: 13

• Created: 2021

31. Libby (She/Her)

Meaning of name: My heart

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 7

• Created: When Linda was 7 years old

• Interesting Fact: Until June 2021, Libby was selectively deaf and unable to talk due to trauma.

32. Mystique (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Air of mystery

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 11

• Created: When Linda was 7 years old

33. Pippy (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Horse lover

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 7

• Created: When Linda was 7 years old

34. Elsie (She/Her)

Meaning of name: God is perfection

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 8

• Created: When Linda was around 7 years old

35. Esther (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: Unknown

• Created: Unknown

36. Emily (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Rival

• Role:

• Age: 2

• Created:

37. Grace (She/Her)

• Role: Innocent

• Age: 3

• Created: 2020

• Interesting fact: Twin to Hope

38. Hope (She/Her)

• Role: Innocent

• Age: 3

• Created: 2020

• Interesting fact: Twin to Grace

39. Nareena (She/Her)

Meaning of name: Sea Princess

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Role: Fragment

• Age: 12

• Created:

40. Emily (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 2-4

• Created: Unknown

41. Alec (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 4-6

• Created: Unknown

Interesting fact: Alec is mute

42. Precious (She/Her)

• Role: Trauma Holder

• Age: 7-12

• Created: Unknown