...for the last 9 months!
Can you relate? Everyone has "one of those days" where everything seems to go wrong. But when those days drag out to weeks and months, there comes a time when you scream "ENOUGH ALREADY!" It's like that for me. It's a case of "Stop the world, I wanna get off!". If I think about it, I've had a tough run of it since around 2014, but the last 9 months or so have been particularly stressful, starting with coming to the realisation that there is no possible way I can stay in England due to the Home Office raising the cost of my VISA from 600 Pounds 5 years ago to over 3000 Pounds this year. My husband and I tried everything to raise the money, but sadly, we could not reach it. So I had to leave.
Then I discovered that my husband wasn't going to wait for me and help me return. That hit really hard and I felt betrayed and abandoned by him. Then came all the goodbyes which were so very hard to do. I'd lived there for 15 years; made a home for myself; friends, church, family. And I had to say goodbye to it all. It was so incredibly painful. And sadly, despite this being the age of technology, some of my friends chose to no longer remain in contact for reasons that I still don't understand.
I also had to say goodbye to my cat, Honey, who had bonded with me from birth. I miss her so much. Then, of course, was the trip back to Australia on my own with only my headmates for company. Well, at the time, just one headmate. I currently have 21 including myself. Pretty much as soon as I landed I hooked up with a local church and through them was set up with a therapist. She was great. Really caring, intuitive and supportive. We quickly trusted her and shared our story with her. She met most of us. Things seemed like they might be slowly starting to move forward. Slowly.
But then a new Alter fronted for the first time and immediately tried to end our life. He collapsed unconscious in our Therapist's office and paramedics took an hour to stabilise us enough to take us to hospital. That was a little over a month ago, and since then, our Therapist has ghosted us. We feel betrayed and hurt and very confused. The Littles, especially, have found it hard. Even as I write this, I am confused by her behaviour and don't know why I am being punished for something that was completely out of my control. I have no memories of the suicide attempt. I can only go on what was told to me. I don't even remember leaving my house to go to therapy. And despite me taking responsibility for my Alter's actions and apologising on behalf of him, we are all being ignored and it feels like punishment.
But, the good news is I have managed to set up an appointment with another Psychologist this month and she is well trained in DID and Dissociative disorders. I'm nervously excited to meet her but I'm also wiser now and know not to trust immediately, despite how friendly she appears. Once bitten, twice shy.
I hope that I can reconcile to my other Therapist. I feel dreadful and misunderstood. I realise she probably felt that she was not sufficient to help us, but abandoning us the way she did has been very hard and as a result, we've had 2 new splits; 2 new Alters. It's never my intention to cause trouble. The OD came out of nowhere. None of us were expecting it, and we are all in deep shock over it and the subsequent consequences. Oh well. I just needed to get this off my chest. Welcome to the joys of living with a severe mental health disorder. Thank you for reading this. Stay safe x