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BPD: The Ugly Truth

Why is living with Borderline Personality Disorder so hard? Honestly, I personally find it harder to cope with this than the Dissociative Identity Disorder. At least D.I.D. makes sense in my head, but B.P.D. seems pointless and distressing all the time. Can anyone relate?

I can't speak for others, but in my own personal life, having B.P.D. has been one of the hardest disorders I've had the misfortune of dealing with every single day. The unstable emotions that seem to swing to and fro, the unstable relationships and the crippling fear of abandonment all make for an extremely unpleasant existence.

The fear of abandonment for people with B.P.D. is real. Sufferers will go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, and sadly, their efforts are what ultimately drive people away. It's a "self-fulfilling prophesy". It's sad and tragic and forms a cycle of self loathing and misery. It's so hard to break out of that cycle, and often can't be done alone. Therapy is usually needed to learn the tools necessary to be able to keep the B.P.D. at bay and use our rational, logical mind rather than our irrational and emotional mind. It involves reprogramming the mind to take a step back from our feelings and look at the situation rationally and logically. And that takes practice. I've still not mastered it, but I think I am a little better than our former Core/Host, Linda was. Marginally.

People with B.P.D. can unintentionally come across as needy and demanding, and generally they don't mean to. I know I don't! I have often had to step back and apologise to people for being needy, demanding or even manipulative without even realising I'm doing it! It's hard to admit this about myself, but I want you to know that I'm a real human with real problems and I am also willing to admit my faults and show that I'm working on them in my own life. It takes courage to be able to admit when you're wrong about something. And courage isn't the absence of fear... courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

Add on top of an irrational fear of abandonment, the very extreme emotions that swing from one to another without any rhyme or reason. One minute I can be calm, even happy, and the next I am sobbing uncontrollably, or furious beyond reason and there doesn't seem to be any obvious triggers. B.P.D. has been mistaken for Bi-Polar Disorder due to the wide and extreme emotional responses. The smallest situation can cause me to snap; either sobbing and incredibly depressed or lash out in a towering fury that seems to come out of nowhere. It's frightening and difficult to control. It takes vast amounts of energy and determination to force myself to step back from my emotions and try to look at the situation objectively, and frankly, some days I simply don't have the energy.

Why is all this so hard to deal with? Because it's exhausting. It's irritating. It's inconvenient. It's irrational. And above all, it simply doesn't seem to make sense. The highly impulsive, explosive nature of this disorder makes it not only hard for the sufferer, but for friends and family members, as they can be left reeling from the hurricane of emotional outbursts, impulsivity, recklessness and chaos that ensues. It can be downright ugly... especially for the sufferer. It's hard. It hurts. And most people who have the disorder hate it with a passion. Not to mention the other types of behaviours that tend to go hand-in-hand with B.P.D: substance abuse, eating disorders, reckless and often dangerous behaviours, suicide and self-harm ideation... it all takes its toll.

But it is manageable. You can heal from it. It takes work, dedication and a willingness to rewire your brain to healthier ways to manage life and emotions and relationships. Not gonna lie... it isn't easy. But it is possible. And for some, it may be a lifetime commitment of working at it every single day. But the rewards will be worth it. I promise! Nothing good in life is ever easy, but they are always worth the hard work and effort. I'm not going to give up on my pursuit of healing from this, even if it takes the rest of my life. And if I can do it... on top of having D.I.D, anxiety, depression and a whole range of other stressors in my life, then so can you! As always, I believe in you!

Olivia Rose explains BPD in her video really well... and explains how hard it is to live with this debilitating disorder. View here.

Thanks for reading, and wherever you are, whatever time it is for you, have a wonderful day. ❤


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